Genetically Engineered Bees Programmed to Automatically Give Honey to Nearest Human

Birmingham, Alabama – April 16 – Researchers from the North American Bee Harvesting Institute have created genetically engineered bees, inserted with genetic material that is arranged to redistribute the insects’ behavioral abilities so that they give honey directly to humans. The groundbreaking work was achieved in the company’s Tuscaloosa laboratory earlier this year, sources say.

Using its proprietary Nano-Amino Acid Infusion Process, the company believes it has succeeded in both cloning bees and essentially programming the clones to automatically deliver pollen to human subjects once they have retrieved it from viable flowers. “There is still work to be done, “said Norton Brayfield, chief science coordinator for the project.

“Currently, insect subjects will approach any nearby human and drop the pollen. This is not what we want. It would be more satisfactory for the bee to actually find a target, such as at a honey making facility, and place the pollen where it could be processed. This may require further modification of the genetic technique, Ach-choo! - or perhaps a kind of behavioral training,” Brayfield explained.

Meanwhile, other local sources are suggesting that there has been a substantial increase in allergy reports in the Birmingham area this season. Under oath of embellishment, another company representative said that the bees are not capable of carrying enough pollen to cause an increase in allergies.

The next day, he called in sick.

Study Reveals Alcohol Should Be Avoided When Drunk

Sandista, OH – April 15 – Alcoholic beverages should be avoided at all costs by those who are intoxicated, according to the latest FDA study released yesterday.

The study says that people who drink when drunk stand a much dire chance of staying drunk for longer or dying.

The degree of morbidity of the study results is not specified. Roberto E. Chikenberry of the American Society of Statistics, who is familiar with the FDA report, says, “The morbidity factor is vague, but the FDA is consistent with several sources in the claim that drinking while drunk will definitely maximize one’s chance of staying drunk.”

Those who believe maximized doesn’t mean definite, the report actually states the chance of drinking while drunk will lead to one staying drunk 99.241% of the time, on average, while there is a direct relationship between consuming more or less and increasing or decreasing that percentage.

The chances of staying drunk when ceasing to drink decreases in percentage per unit of time, the study also suggests.

In addition, the act of drinking while drunk may also lead to activities such as drinking more, driving, having sex, falling down a sewer, or getting into a fight.

New Device Can Map Location of All Your Other Devices

Toms River, NJ - July 25 - Blatent Technologies, Toms River, NJ, has announced the July 25th public release of a device, with an internal receiver and device detection circuit, which will display the location of every other type of device that is programmed into it.

The device was unveiled at the only ever Device Detection Convention, on the boardwalk at Asbury Park. During the course of the event, the device detected 400 cell phones, 127 PDAs, 95 laptops, 43 GPS devices, and 3 pacemakers, according to company sources.

Featuring a 3 inch LCD and internal antenna, Device Finder is powered by a Li-Ion battery that is charged by solar energy obtained from electrodes embedded in the screen. The concept was conceived by Dr. Martin Linchisky, Ph.D, President and co-founder of Blatent Technologies. "Device Finder can detect the electronic signature of 97.5% of all other electronic devices. An infrared beam is used to map its surroundings, and then an image is generated with the locations of those devices represented."

"The only downside," Linchisky added, "is that it cannot detect itself, nor others of its kind." In a press statement, the company said that a solution to that issue is being worked on, and will be integrated into an updated model expected to go into production next year.

Man Undergoes Total-Organ Transplant

Baltimore, MD - March 1st - Surgeons at the Johns Hopkins Comprehensive Transplant Center operated on 38 year old Doug Varse on Friday to replace the most organs to date on anybody, according to the Non-Associated Press.

Led by Dr. Joseph Calhoon, the team of 45 doctors operated for 30.5 hours to replace Varse's heart, lungs, stomach, large and small intestine, liver, spleen, pancreas, tongue, bronchial tubes, kidneys, bladder, gall bladder, esophagus, lymphatic system, as well as a bone marrow transplant. According to Calhoon, Varse has had multiple issues with all his organs for most of his life.

Sources say that Varse was recovering well on life support and in a coma. Doctors wouldn't comment on how long it could take for him to recuperate.